Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
