Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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