I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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