Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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