she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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