Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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