Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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