No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
