The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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