I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Bring me that man meat
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
