Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
