They should really pass out barf bags in church
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
