I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
