he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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