mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
