I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
