so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He better not be in your backpack
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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