textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
