i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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