fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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