allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dick very happy bro
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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