I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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