don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
