Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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