If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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