I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
