Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
