I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
