look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
