Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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