Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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