just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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