Plan B is the new Plan A
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
