I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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