ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
