I want to make a zoo with you.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
