hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
