I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
