She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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