She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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