My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
