Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
