i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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