If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
