Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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