ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think my moral compass just broke
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
