I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
