I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
