Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
