So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize