Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
