i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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