I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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