You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
