I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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