I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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