bring money and cleavage
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
