I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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