Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
